So, February fucking sucked.
I nearly lost my dad and was basically scared out of my mind for 48 hours minimum, my mom had to fly out to be with him because I can’t travel and work since there’s no internet in the house, got rejected from a college I applied to and a journalism opportunity, I found out that some racist freak maliciously edited my Fanlore page with bullshit “controversies” (and I still can’t bring myself to look what the page looks like now), and I possibly got my identity stolen/bank information jacked in a scam!
Even with the good things that happened (two excellent Fan Service pieces, an interview with [REDACTED CELEBRITY], spending almost 2 uninterrupted weeks with my youngest niecelings and my first piece for Joy Sauce… a lot of this happened under the weight of a pressure I didn’t expect to have. (And my nieces being with me is directly related to almost losing my dad because I had to have the girls with me to keep going in case the worst happened and with my mom traveling so initially, that was not fun at all.)
I didn’t expect my dad to almost die and I didn’t expect to see just… another reminder of how much and how violently people hate me because they think I am an “anti” of a ship most of them don’t even ship.
Like it’s “just” fandom so I shouldn’t think or talk critically about any of it… but at the same time, people across fandoms and over years are actively out here trying to destroy my life and reputation permanently across fandoms I’m not even in or critical about. There are people who’ve committed actual crimes who have nicer and more balanced Fanlore pages than me.
And the only thing I’ve done is… be mildly snarky as I document racism in different fandoms/over shipping.
They’re acting like I am an anti-fandom hate group funded by Patreon to shit on Reylo and other ships and people across fandoms just… don’t care. They don’t care and they watch as their friends lie about me for years while claiming I deserve it because I’m not “nice”. (And no one ever asks why I must be “nice” when talking about racism or to people who are calling me slurs publicly over my work and their silly fucking ships.)
Fuck diabetes, fuck racist fandom, fuck academic gatekeeping, and fuck February.
March has to be better because of how awful February was… but I’ve been having back to back Bad Months for a very long time.
Between racist fandom constantly dogging me because “stitch might be right but they hate reylo/[ship i don’t give a shit about]”, packed writing schedules, an inability to get fulltime work even doing the criticism I’m clearly good at… I’m tired. I’m tired of not getting anywhere good. I’m tired of people getting clout for harassing me. I’m tired of being lied about. I’m tired of never having time to write my romance novel.
And I’m pulling back even further from everyone online because I just don’t feel like it’s worth it to constantly be misrepresented and attacked by people who think it’s fun to spread lies about me and to turn people against me… but I can’t pull back all the way because I have to be here to make some kind of a living.
I’d like to move to doing more reviews, celeb interviews, or other media coverage. I want to do IP work for franchises… but I can’t get hired for those jobs when they’re offered and I don’t have an agent so I can have hope of getting those fiction opportunities. To an extent, truly, I feel trapped.
I hate it.
Anyway, I don’t have many solid promises for March content beyond the stuff I know I’m getting paid for already, gonna be real.
I have a list of things I’m working on, a list of things that are done and need to be posted, and a list of things I want to do but probably won’t get around to. But we’re still trying to figure out what is going to happen next with my dad and so if his health doesn’t get better/we can’t find a way to take care of him, my life is going to look drastically different in the coming weeks.
I’m always striving to do my best, but February really sank it in… my best is never going to be good enough.
Kinda don’t know where to go from here.