#FlashbackFriday – Preference and Race in the Dating World

Originally written in 2013 on Tumblr.


I hate the word preference. Or at least, I hate the concept of that most people have of it in terms of dating.

I hate that not only has society made it okay for everyone to have a (frankly racist) preference against Black women, but that it’s also socially acceptable to talk about why you won’t date a Black woman… TO BLACK WOMEN.

Excuses for this racist “preference” range consist of stuff like:

  • “they’re loud”
  • “they wear weave/don’t wear weave”
  • “their hair is/isn’t natural”
  • “they cause drama”
  • “their lips/breasts/asses are too big”
  • “i don’t like the color of their hair/skin/nipples”

As if every single Black woman out there is the same type in looks as well as personality…

Most of those “qualities” up there, are stuff that people are like or that people can’t change or that the person having the preference about wouldn’t care about on anyone else.

I hate the way that it’s just fine and dandy to tell Black women that they’re unattractive and unwanted and uncool (AS A WHOLE).

I hate that in a society that’d flip if a guy told a woman “I don’t like you because you’re a blonde, I only date natural redheads”, that it’s incredibly OKAY to tell a Black woman how her race isn’t your preference. It’s okay to say things like “i’m not racist, but I don’t date Black women because <of racist excuse disguised as preference>”.

Like the whole thing is that if you prefer or dislike someone based on their race, you’re being racist. That’s the simplest definition out there. But society has softened the edges of it so that we’re to respect that “sometimes people have ~preferences~ about who they date”.

Because the hurt feelings of men who hurt the feelings of Black women by shutting them down in an instant because of their race is what we’re supposed to care about right?

We can’t get mad and call someone racist for rejecting us by saying stuff like “you’re cute for a black girl, but i don’t date black girls” or putting that on their dating profiles.

We can’t get uncomfortable by the fact that when these people do date Black women, it’s a very specific type of black woman that they date. One that has very specific features.

We can’t be upset because everyone, even Black men, will crap all over us because everyone else looks good with our features or is brave when they adopt a hardass attitude.

We can’t be mad when guys see a few of us as an exception and talk about how “other black women” are x, y, and z levels of terrible. (But then they still won’t date us because we’re still too black.)

No. We have to respect other people’s preferences even when those preferences tear Black women down for being themselves. We have to see dating sites where we’re not wanted, movies and TV shows where we’re the “~sassy~ but always single friend” and just… accept it.

I hate the word preference in response to dating/relationships because as a Black woman, I’ve heard it too often as the reason why I’m being shot down. I’ve had guys go into detail about exactly how unattractive they found Black women TO ME after I asked them out or told them that I liked them. I’ve had preference explained to me like I was a child instead of a relatively grown adult.

I hate the idea that preferring not to date someone because they’re Black is so normal to so many people that they’re more than fine with tearing you down to your face about it.

But try saying that you don’t like white guys or black guys or ANY GUYS to their faces. Try having a preference as a Black woman. See how fast that’ll get some of the same fools up in your face about how you’re the racist one.



3 thoughts on “#FlashbackFriday – Preference and Race in the Dating World

  1. People fail to take into account, that just like Black women, they’ve been taught to think of black women as unloved and unloveable. Not only are we not worth the effort of love, we’re incapable of being loved and not capable of it ourselves. This is one of the earliest and first lessons Black girls learn. The idea that no one loves us or ever will. Is it any wonder we see so much of the attitudes and pathologies in black women that people decry. A lot of black women just say, “To hell with it! I’m not even going to try. ” black men are forever going on and on about how hard it is for them and then turn around and treat us with the same brainwashed attitude they we already get.

    I totally get don’t buy the whole preference thing. And when did it become okay to just tell a black woman, to her face, that’s she’s completely worthless.

    Liked by 2 people

Comments are closed.