Stitch Takes On… Spider-Man: Homecoming [Audio Post + 2019 Transcript]

Stitch Takes On - Spider-Man Homecoming

Reuploaded with a new professional (ish) quality transcript!


All right. This is my review of Spider-Man: Homecoming. You can probably guess that this will have spoilers, profanity, snark beyond belief, and some major Tony Stark hate because I hate Tony Stark.

Let’s get started.

The film opens with Michael Keaton’s character whose first name I can’t remember, but Toomes whatever at the site of the Avenger’s tower with a crew that’s cleaning up the aftermath of the Chitauri Invasion. He is there, clearly blue-collared dude, just doing his thing. Then comes Damage Control. I love the idea of Damage Control.

I’ve read the two series I think late ’80s, early ’90s for the characters that basically rebuild after superheros destroy everything, but in the case, it’s kind of a terrible group because these characters are coming in– Damage Control is coming in working with Tony Stark to rebuild, to salvage. And let me just point out that that means Tony Stark is getting a cut of money for fixing the things he destroyed. I’m sorry, that’s not really acceptable to me.

Basically, Toomes and his crew get fired. When they go back to their warehouse after realizing, “Gosh, they wasted so much money.” They realize that they have a truck full of materials from the Chitauri Invasion that they never turned in. Clearly, they’re going to use it for no good, because that’s basically the next thing. This movie opens in 2012, has a flashback to 2000– whatever last year was, and is well…set now.

It’s a pretty good movie. I’m not going to recap it because if you haven’t seen it, you’re not going to and I’m not spending two hours talking to you about this. I’m just going to talk about things I liked and things I didn’t like.

First, this is a really fun movie. It has a really good balance, super-actiony moments and you’re on the edge of your seat for like three or four of the major action sequences because you don’t know what’s going to happen,

“Yes, it’s a Spider-Man movie, he can’t die, and he is not a killing superhero, so no one else is going to die at his hands” unless it’s Gwen Stacy and that better not happen in this universe.

It kind of bucks the trend of being predictable. MCU movies are predictable movies in that, you always know what’s going to happen at the very end, but this provided a lot of surprises, some gaspy moments. It was really enjoyable because I couldn’t predict it as well as I thought I would. I thought that the villain would be Zendaya’s dad. He was not at all Zendaya’s dad.

The next thing that I liked is that this looks like a high school in Brooklyn or Queens. I’m actually not sure where he goes to school because he takes the subway to school. I don’t know how New York works as a location, so just bear with me.

His school is naturally diverse. I think they filmed at a real high school. Some of those people in the background were real high school kids. So there were a lot of people of color in the background, but there were also people of color in the film itself. His best friend Ned who is basically Miles Morales’ Ganke. I’ve never been able to pronounce his name because I’ve never heard it said out loud, Ganke, all right whatever. His best friend Ned is Miles Morales’ best friend. Their ethnicity differs of course, but their personalities are the same. We’ll get back to the Miles connection in a bit.

There are two prominent female characters of color, Laura Harrier’s Liz Allan and my adopted nieceling Zendaya as Michelle Jones or MJ as we find out at the ass-end of the film and another thing that bugged me. It was really nice that two of the female figures that he interacts with the most after his aunt May are black women. Laura Harrier is drop dead gorgeous. She looks like a baby deer, but also a supermodel. Her eyes are huge. I totally understand like, “She is so out of Peter’s league.”

It’s a little like, “Ha, ha, ha, all right.You don’t really like him,” except you could feel it. She made it work. She made a ship that– It’s silly because it’s the popular girl and the nerd boy. They do it in a way that doesn’t make you feel like, “I’m watching a rehashed ’80 women are priceless for men movie.”

She is so cute.

There’s a scene where she just in trying to talk about Peter, they’re just so awkward. I love it. I hate that she is probably not going to be in the sequel because at the end of the movie, of course, her dad is in jail, and she is moving, so no Liz.

Of course, I’ve watched Zendaya in everything she is in. I watched all of Shake It Up. I watched K.C. Undercover. I need her to be in more things so that I may watch them. I called her my adopted nieceling and that’s because I adopted her as my honorary nieceling in my heart from when I watched Shake It Up.

It was really a joy watching her perform in Spider-Man: Homecoming even though she basically had only a few snarky lines.

Super-major spoiler alert, Zendaya’s character absolutely knows that Peter Parker is Spider-Man. They have a moment. Her appearances, while brief, basically culminate in him rushing off to do Spider-Man-related things. She is like, “Where are you going?” He freezes. She is like, “Ha, ha, just kidding, I don’t care,” but then there is a look on her face that’s really measuring.

She knows he is Spider-Man, she has to.

I hope this won’t be like how apparently Finn in Star Wars is not force sensitive despite hearing the destruction of the- I guess the rebellion or whatever by the Starkiller. Then now they’re like, “No, he is not force sensitive, that was sound error, blah-blah-blah.”

No bitch. No it was not.

Anywho, I’m looking forward to seeing what Sony and Marvel do with these characters. I’d love to see more of Laura Harrier. My friend Katelyn is like, “I hope she comes back as a villain.” I’m like, “Really? That’s what you want?”

I mean villains are pretty awesome. I think that we do need more villains of color. Like I’m still not over Elektra. I’m angry about the Dragon Lady thing, but Elektra is beautiful, and I love her, she is a bad ass.

What else did I like?

I liked that the villain in this film is like, you have your superhero villain. You have the dude in the costume. At the heart of it, I would argue that a villain of this film is classism and capitalism and Tony Stark because what drives Toomes to a life of crime is losing his livelihood because Tony Stark essentially wants to make more money by cleaning up a mistake that, in some cases, he helped make because Damage Control also is collecting Ultron bots.

Of course, Tony Stark and his brief deep dive into, “I have to protect the world mania.” I wanted to call it megalomania, but I don’t think that fits. That led to Ultron. He is cleaning up a mess, and he is getting paid for it. You have a character who is losing his livelihood.

I would also like to know why it was impossible for Damage Control to hire local contractors and train them to do that shit. It cannot be that hard to safely store alien technology considering that the characters were already doing it. They had worked for multiple days and nobody died. Why not train locals so you can work with the city, people who know the city, instead of having strangers come in who are unfamiliar with the city and the tech.

Actually, let’s talk about Tony Stark. If you don’t know me by now, somehow you don’t know that I hate Tony Stark, I do. I hate Tony Stark.

I hate that he is supposed to be Peter’s mentor in this film.

Peter is 15 years old. He may have been 14 as of civil war, and so 15 makes sense now. He’s a sophomore in high school. He’s basically a baby. Tony Stark is his mentor but doesn’t do shit. One of the things in the opening of the film is basically, Peter records what happens from his point of view with civil war and the airport fight.

He literally, is like, “I don’t know what’s going on, something about Cap going crazy.”

Tony Stark never informed Peter Parker about what was going on. He didn’t give him the chance to make up his own mind. He told Peter a narrative that Peter then followed along because he’s a fricking 14-year-old. I’m so mad about this, and at some point I will probably write about this.

Hey, if you’re listening to this and you have clout with any websites, I would love to write an angry article about how Tony Stark should never be interacting with children.

The whole thing with Tony Stark is that he is super self-centered and I think super hypocritical. Tony has been allowed to make mistakes over and over and over again, and some of these mistakes aren’t his fault and some of them are. He didn’t know what was going to happen with the different weirdos that hate him in Iron Man 2, well Iron Man 2 and Iron Man 3 because everybody hates Tony Stark.

I assume that if I lived in the Marvel Cinematic Universe I would at some point become a villain specifically so I could beat Tony Stark’s ass, I am assuming this is where we’re at.

Tony has had multiple chances to fix mistakes, to grow from his actions and learn a lesson and usually, I mean I don’t really feel like he has but Peter gets none of that. The way that Tony and Happy, and Happy by the way, is the only person who apologizes for how they treat Peter.

I mean, it’s horrible. You don’t treat a child the way that they treat children. After the Civil War, the battle in Belgium, I believe, basically two months go by without any contact from Tony or Happy. This is not a mentorship-like at the very least Tony Stark who is using an internship at his company as cover for Peter should have maybe had Peter do an actual internship.

I can’t remember what happens in the Ultimates comics I feel like Peter interacts more with whoever is mentoring him, aside from Nick Fury but here he doesn’t mentor Peter. He restricts his suit. He refuses communication. He doesn’t acknowledge communication and then he gets mad at Peter for being a teenager and doing what teenagers do which is fucking shit up because they’re teenagers and it’s okay for him to make mistakes.

I don’t like Happy in this. I think his last name is Hogan but I’m not sure but Happy. Tony Stark’s driver turned security guard turned blah blah blah is an absolute turd to Peter.

There’s another guy who has no idea how to interact with children. He ignores all of Peter’s texts. He mocks him when he brings up saving people like he’s been trying to get in communication with him. He hangs up on Tony and Ned when they try to get in touch with them. There’s just really this superiority complex. Like I’m an adult, I know better and in fact, that’s something that Tony does.

One of the really amazing things in Spider-Man: Homecoming is a scene on the Staten Island ferry where it is split in two because of an accident. Peter at this point has shut off the hacking device in his suit. He’s followed Toomes and his crew to this ferry on the word of Aaron. Aaron Davis who is Miles Morales’ uncle, Wow.

So he messes up. People could have been killed. People were not killed. Right? So keep that in mind. Peter has no casualties on his record from that incident.

Tony basically shows up and reads him the riot act, accuse him of all of this of being irresponsible, of getting people hurt, of not listening to him. When Peter tries to explain himself he says, “I tried calling you, I tried telling you and you didn’t listen” and Tony’s like, “Well, why do you think the FBI was here?”

I don’t fucking know Tony. Why was the FBI there because you didn’t tell anyone what you were doing.

All Tony’s interactions with Peter Parker are dismissive. They’re condescending, they’re selfish. He goes to take the suit from Peter– and I just found a hairpin in my hair that came out great.

He goes to tell Peter– to take Peter’s suit and Peter’s like, “I’m nothing without the suit,” because he’s a 15-year-old boy with superpowers.

He has nothing. His uncle has just died six months ago. He lives with his aunt. His parents are dead and he has found self-worth in superheroing.

You have given him a suit that makes it easier for him to do his job and then you are taking it away from him.

Tony’s like, “If you’re nothing without the suit, then you don’t deserve to have it or something,” and like let me just say for a guy who promised to get rid of his suits in Iron Man 3 and then did not do that and Hey, Age of Ultron happens -He doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

I don’t think that Tony Stark should be telling anyone that if they cannot be themselves without their suit that they shouldn’t continue heroing.

At one point Peter interrupts him and he’s basically like, “Shush child. An adult is talking,” and I do this to my nieces all the time. I do. It’s not fair, it doesn’t really recognize their agency as people but also Tony is not Peter’s uncle. He’s not his dad. He’s a mentor that doesn’t do anything, he is absent.

Tony, we see him three times. No, four different scenes in this film. There’s the civil war, He calls Peter from India after he rescues Peter from I think the Hudson River and he’s not in his robot, he’s just a dick – The ferry, where he scolds Peter, and then at the end where he basically– He doesn’t apologize. He does not apologize for being a crap mentor or for talking down to Peter for treating him like he’s just a dumb baby.

He doesn’t apologize for any of this. I don’t understand why we’re supposed to like him.

At the end of the movie, I absolutely empathized with Toomes the vulture because I understand being surrounded by evidence that wealthy people don’t care.

If I was in his position I can’t say that I wouldn’t turn to super-villainy, he’s a bad guy. He wasn’t doing things that he thought were good. He was just being a bad guy. He was doing it because he hates Tony Stark because Tony Stark basically represents the worst of capitalism, consumerism, classism to him.

What better way to get back at him than to create weapons from the very things that he either helped bring into the world or sucked that taken out of the world.

I need to know who looked at the three Iron Man movies in two Avengers movies and went, “Wow.” Tony Stark absolutely should be “mentoring” a teenager and shake them.

I need to shake them because Peter deserves better than a mentor who is essentially diametrically opposed to his position in life, his philosophy, just his personality.

Tony is hung up on his father his absent father and the lack of that parental guidance and I guess he’s taking it out on Peter and we’re supposed to recognize that and we all know but I don’t care.

I don’t care about Tony Stark. I don’t think that he’s the kind of person that should be responsible for Peter Parker. No, that’s not acceptable. Especially, if he’s not going to treat Peter properly.

He shouldn’t be in the position that he’s in.

He shouldn’t be calling himself a mentor if he’s not going to do any mentoring. He didn’t even explain how Peter’s suit work. When Peter took out the tracker in his suit and he had Ned disable the training wheels protocol, he didn’t know that Tony had installed a training wheels protocol that was supposed to help him figure out how to use a suit.

He didn’t know that because he wasn’t told. That’s just nonsense. I could yell about Tony Stark all day because I hate him.

Let’s move on to the other thing that I hated. That Spider-man: Homecoming is basically a Miles Morales movie without Miles.

You have his friends, his location, you have the general tone, feels like a Miles Morales comic, it feels that we should have gotten Miles Morales in this.

Peter has Miles’ fear of heights. He has just all these attractions that I feel these are Miles’s things. It’s hard not to be bitter. I loved Homecoming, I loved it, but I would have loved it more if the kid that takes off the Spider-man mask is a little black Puerto Rican kid because everything else about it is so Miles.

The MCU throws us a bone in Aaron Davis showing up. He is, of course, a criminal. He’s in the comics, but we’ve covered that Brian Michael Bendis basically has three preset settings for black characters, depending on their gender.

He loves himself, stereotypical criminals. Golly. Aaron Davis is there. He’s Miles Morales’ uncle. The reason we know that Miles Morales exists in the MCU because there’s a scene where Peter attempts to interrogate Aaron Davis and the character who by the way, is played by Donald Glover, whoever the son is. I don’t care because I don’t like him, but that Glover kid, the reason why the guys that tells him, he tells him that the Staten Island Ferry is where they’re doing the meetup is because of the weapons.

He doesn’t want weapons like that out on the street because he has a nephew, so Miles exists. Miles is probably the same age as Peter Parker who by the way goes to the same school. That same kind of school but Miles goes to in his comics, right? I guess I’m supposed to be happy with it, but I would have been happier if– I don’t know from the start, Miles Morales was in that movie. Why wasn’t Miles Morales Spider-Man? Is it because nerd boys are too uncomfortable with change and would boycott your movie, really?

Then it brings me to the next thing. Zendaya as Michelle “MJ” Jones. Zendaya should have been Mary Jane Watson.

In fact, I can almost guarantee you that she probably was before nerd backlash, probably had them do reshoots because we don’t hear her name at any point in the movie. Probably, what was going to happen is like, why is Mary Jane Watson or like they call her MJ.

I’m really upset, because not only did Zendaya end up with getting tons of racist backlash from nerd boys and girls and non-binary people who cannot handle racebending, but to go through all of that, and then not be the character you were abused on the internet for potentially playing is a slap in the face.

Then it doesn’t even help because people are still doing the thing.

Like on Tumblr and Twitter, people are like, “I don’t know why, but I just don’t see a relationship between MJ/Liz working with Peter. They’re just sisters to him or something or Laura Harrier is cute but Liz is too controlling.”

Look, I’ve been on fandom a really long time. I’ve seen a lot of weird, rude, awful crap. One of the constants is this. When a character is racebent, especially if it’s a character racebent to be a black woman, fandom loses their minds.

I mean, it happened with Iris, twice. It happened with both Zendaya. I don’t know if anything happened with Liz Allan as Laura Harrier. I do know that fandom doesn’t really like black women.

The MCU have the opportunity to reinvent one of their most iconic female characters by using one of the most famous stars for the generation they’re aiming this movie at.

Zendaya has been on Vogue. She’s a Disney’s Channel princess. She is the triple threat that Mary Jane Watson is. She’s a model. She’s an actress. She’s a singer. All she needs is red hair. Apparently, that was too much for Marvel and for Marvel fan peeps to handle.

I’ve spent a lot of this complaining because this is what I do and who I am as a person.

I think, overall, despite the complaining, I liked Spider-man: Homecoming. I think it’s an interesting new addition to the Marvel Cinematic Universe. I want to see where Peter goes next. I want though, I want a Miles Morales movie.

I want to be able to not see Tony Stark in movies he doesn’t belong in, like Civil War shouldn’t have happened. No, no, no, they have 10 heroes, this shouldn’t have happened. That’s something that should have come like, five, six years from now when you introduce more heroes, get the guardians of the galaxy back on Earth, that sort of thing.

I’m tired of Tony Stark. I need Robert Downey Jr. to gracefully go into that quiet night or whatever. I’m not saying he should die. I just can’t remember the thing. Exit stage left, leave, drop the role, go on vacation, get out of the MCU because I’m tired of seeing Tony Stark’s smug, hypocritical, pseudo snarky behind. It’s just mucking up the joint. He is a hero in a very loose sense.

I hate that the Marvel Cinematic Universe in many ways revolves around him. His mistakes. His decisions. His love life. I’m not a fan.

If I could do anything different, if I could go back in time aside from beating everybody up so that Zendaya would be Mary Jane and getting a Miles Morales movie, Tony Stark would be nowhere in sight. I want Robert Downey Jr. out of a job. Bless his heart but it’s been almost a decade. Somebody else should be Iron Man. I’m thinking Riri Williams. Just don’t let Brian Michael Bendis write her script, all right. The cutie who plays Zuri on what is it, Bunk’d on Disney, adorable and a great actress. Whoa, and she’s the same age as Riri. Let’s see if that’ll happen. I will replace him or better yet, I hope Marvel does.

This has been a long, rambling, rude review of Spider-man: Homecoming. If you liked it, talk to me about it. If you hated it, talk to me about it. If you hate me, why are you listening to this? You’re weird.

Feel free to check out my website, for more texts, reviews, and really [chuckles] further rude commentary about superheroes and fandom.

All right, thanks so much for listening.


3 thoughts on “Stitch Takes On… Spider-Man: Homecoming [Audio Post + 2019 Transcript]

  1. Loved this!
    And everything you said about Tony is absolutely true. I was just nodding my head through the whole thing.
    But guess what?
    I still like the guy. Probably because I love Robert Downey and it’s been impossible to separate him from his character the past ten years.
    Also, after Endgame, you should get your wish.


  2. One theory I’ve seen is that Zendaya’s character is Mary Jane but is using a fake name to hide from her abusive dad.

    I never really thought we were supposed to see Tony as perfect.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’ve seen that theory and I really like it! And, I did this post while deeply full of rage towards Tony because I was in my feels so definitely I was uh… super biased in a negative way.


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