I hate asking for help.

That’s why I usually push it off until the last possible moment. Despite the fact that I support everyone else asking for help the second they need it and don’t think that they should feel bad for it, the idea of asking for help myself just doesn’t… work? I feel like a failure – something I’d never think of anyone else ever.

I got terminated from my day job – a local journalism thing – at the end of August. It truly was a case of mutual lack of “good fit” except I’m the only one suffering here. I was living paycheck to paycheck without savings because even with the lower cost of living where I live… I had health problems and food is expensive. After getting terminated, things got infinitely worse.

I got through September – including paying for October’s rent – thanks to the kindness of friends. But I have several bills either already behind or that will be behind soon and I really need help to get back on my feet. I’m trying to get back into freelance, but circumstances as a result of former day job on top of the pre-existing harassment from fandom weenies means that I’m literally not the writer I used to be.

But I’m looking for work and applying for social nets. I’ve applied to 3-5 jobs every single day since getting terminated and the only call-backs have been scams, “AI training”, and places that want me to do 3 rounds of interviewing for a position that pays $17 an hour. I applied for unemployment – since it was a mutual termination, I thought that meant I’d get something – and food stamps. The former is stalled on an error (and I can’t get anyone to clarify things for me) and I don’t know what the status is on the latter.

This is a lot to say that I literally cannot live like this. In the past month, my mental health has suffered greatly. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. I cannot function enough to try and make money doing things like the part time job I did have before or to put stuff on Patreon. This is, and I’m going to be so real here, the closest I’ve come to a very low point in over a year. And since I don’t have money or health insurance, I can’t get help I know I need.

So, I need help. I need a new job. I need money. I need help because I have no one in my offline life/community who can help me, no prospects for a decent job that I can do either in-person or remotely, and if I can’t get help… I cannot say what will come next for me.

Edit 10/08/24

A lot has happened in just over 24 hours.

For starters, I have not slept a lot. Mostly because I’ve been overwhelmed. Just… truly and deeply overwhelmed because I’ve been trying to figure out how to talk about what I’ve been going through because I hate being vulnerable out of a fear of rejection/betrayal.

Most of this is RSD, I know. But my mental health has been very bad like I don’t know how to talk about it because I don’t want to find out that I can be reported for talking about it. It’s to the point where I’ve been “joking” about ‘being all of the cidals’. I functionally have nothing in my apartment to do any of that, but it was a real close touch prior to me asking for help – not just from you guys but from my big sister. (A thing I never do because even though she’d never judge me, I’m terrified of upsetting her/worrying her when she’s so far away.)

Thanks to you guys I’m doing a little bit better. I’ve had a really bad tremor in my arm since Saturday night/Sunday morning and a headache from Friday as I looked at my bills and tried to figure out how to stay afloat. So far, the tremor is… mostly gone. The headache is… well it’s mostly gone but now I’m lightheaded. (Which could be because of the food situation. I am always deeply terrified of running out of food so I have always rationed heavily when I’m unsure of my future access to food.)

I’m still anxious, obviously, because I am working on a time limit to make sure I’m OKAY by the end of the month but… I may have only one serious bill left to worry about in the end of the month thanks to your help. There are some outstanding medical bills I am… probably not going to be able to pay off but I will figure that out because they’re not immediate issues – totally a problem for the future. But the light bill overdue portion and the credit card I’ve been paying off and can’t miss a payment for as a result… GOOD!  

And officially it does look like unemployment isn’t in the cards for me. I can log in to the site, but I cannot update the job hunting aspect of it to show I’m meeting the job search requirements. There are also no updates about my case and the issue that’s keeping me from getting the pay out. Whatever the error/issue is, it’s set in stone. But last night, I did go out to the mailbox at ass o’clock and found – delivered in the same day apparently – my food stamps approval letter and the card, so I can finally eat a vegetable that’s not in a can from 2022. Which is great because at one point I was eating freezer burned edamame beans and canned mackerel…

And even more things are happening because … temporary (?!) employment may be on the horizon. I will know more as early as tomorrow afternoon. It’ll be on contract so I still will need to find a job that gives me benefits by the end of that period. However, considering my finances right now… I will take the thing that may keep a roof over my head over the alternative.

And again, I’m still not back to sleeping well because I’ve been on high alert and stressing for weeks BUT I am going to keep trying to get back to a position of stability and hopefully get a job that also doesn’t make me all of the cidals. Despite what my brain likes to tell me on repeat, a decent amount of people would be really sad if I was no longer around so… I have to keep moving forward and I have to make myself be vulnerable..