I’ll talk more about this in detail – as in a proper essay, not an off the cuff blog post – one day, but it is weird being a public figure of any kind and a symbol before you’re a person. 

For starters, everything I say has weight… but it’s not usually the weight I attribute to it or intend? If I say I like something, there are people who assume it must be an incredible and insightful piece of media that gives amazing moral messages. (It’s not. It’s usually a villainess webtoon with at least one siscon and at least two yanderes)

But then, if I say I dislike something, it’s positioned as a moral judgment of everyone who does like the thing or who creates it. Even when I like the broad thing (villains) and only criticize an aspect of something related to it (woobification, the way white men get highlighted, how characters of color are vilified by fandom even when they’re not villains) – I get accused of being an “anti” of something that at worst I’m neutral on.

More people do this than the other thing. However, across the board there’s no gray area, only a black and white binary where my actual stated opinions on media, celebrities, and fandom don’t matter… only what random people have translated it into for their own specific needs.

Then there’s how people in fandom who actively reject holding big companies accountable for the content they put out  (see the way people get angry about folks pointing out the capitalist march of Barbie film promo) or real celebrities for actually harmful behavior… will turn around and try to hold you accountable for stuff you didn’t say or do. Their meaning of your words – including them ‘splaining your words above a screenshot of your words – is taken as gospel because you’re not a person, you’re a symbol or figure and you need to be interpreted. 

And people are so weird-and-wrong at all points for this because they will not hold with you analyzing behavior or media. That’s too much. That ruins escapism and whatnot. However, you are up for grabs as an analytical object and even though you have no reach, resources, and they’re destroying your reputation… you must be harmed (through purposeful misreadings, harassment, stalking, etc) so no one else will be harmed by you… daring to have any opinions in public that weren’t approved by committee beforehand.

Finally, there’s the fact that this is all just so dehumanizing. 

The second you become someone’s symbol (good or bad), you stop being a human being to them. It’s how people can watch someone like me being harassed for years and decide that I deserved it for not “minding my business” (by writing about racism in fandom as a Black person in fandom??) or because I’m supposedly “mean” (but… somehow the people harassing me are perfect angels even as they uh… harass me and call me names and try to get me fired??). 

But it’s also how people who like my work and find it useful will treat me like a bomb about to explode. How they hedge how they talk about me so their friends – of which I am not one even if we are friendly, I am reminded of that often – don’t feel threatened by potential proximity to me. Recommending me with caveats, giving as much air time to my haters as my friends, hedging any mention of me with sly asides to protect themselves from backlash for being seen supporting me. 

It’s why people bring up my tone and acknowledge/insist that I am “mean” or they defend me “despite” my interest in omegaverse and RPF. Because the symbol they’ve made of me trumps what I’ve made of me and too many people don’t see me as a human being worthy of genuine engagement and fair treatment. Too many people are invested in ideas of me that cannot co-exist and do not represent me at any point.

I can advocate for myself as much as I want, share years of receipts about how I’m treated and how it hurts me beyond the targeting people are doing towards my career and reputation… but it doesn’t matter because symbols don’t get to shape themselves.