My grad school hopes are officially dead in the water.I’ve spent the past two-ish months trying to be hopeful. The school that I was applying to — my alma mater at that — didn’t accept me to the Literature program. Because of my background in history (and despite the fact that I provided them with work that showed my interest in the field and ability to interpret literature), they didn’t feel as if I had what it took to be in the program.

The director of the program did what he could but even he couldn’t shoehorn me in.I’m still very angry about this because he assured me prior to my application, mind you, that I would be a shoe-in based on my potential thesis topics (all about comic books and the evolution of superheroes) and my BA/AA in History.

What happened next was that I had to jump through hoops to prove that I could do this. He proposed that I take two classes at the graduate level next Spring and then reapply for the Fall 2016 semester.

That was sometime in October.

This month, I realized (rather belatedly) that financial aid wouldn’t cover the courses that he wanted me to take. At over $650 each and with me being jobless since the end of September, I didn’t have a hope of covering the tuition. We changed plans again. I would take the one class (because surely, it wouldn’t be so hard to find a temporary job that would pay me over $650 for work in November and December) and he would write me a recommendation letter based on our conversations and my writing and then again, I’d be a shoe-in for the program.

But I can’t do it.

I have no money. My savings accounts run out this month.I don’t know how I’m going to pay my phone bill or buy food or freaking live. I have no job and no job I am applying to is even considering me. I was going to ask my dad for money, but he put me in my place very quickly today. And I did think about crowdfunding but I can’t bring myself to do it because if I fail at that too, I don’t know what I’d do.

While I would have had a place to stay with a professor from undergrad who needed a part time caretaker for her house and companion for one of her children (who I adore), there’s no point in me even continuing to consider moving to Miami because I have no money. No real possibilities of getting a job (despite her help with the school board there).

I feel like I have no future.

All I wanted to do was go back to college and go back to my alma mater most of all. I chose the Literature program rather than stick to History because I knew that I would be able to look at the specific genre of writing and write about it there.I had trouble doing that in the school’s history department.

It’s been three years since I graduated from college and honestly, I think this is a sign. I’m not going to get in. This is the only school in South Florida that offers what I want to do (there’s a closer university but so far, it doesn’t seem to be on my alma mater’s level). So if I can’t get in, I might as well give up.

I just can’t take the stress of looking at the days coming closer and closer to the start of the term and knowing that I’m never going to get the money I need to be in this school. And on top of that, even if I did find the money and was able to pay the fees, I’m still not guaranteed a position in school in August.

I give up.

For real.